Ireland Journal #1 icarus & paddington

Ireland Journal - Entry #1 - Icarus & Paddington

Let’s talk about planes. I am terrified of them. The thought of boarding an airplane with a mix of humans full of desires & motives seeking to leave the earth, ascend miles into the sky & arrive somewhere far away quickly is a horrific notion to me. It speaks to a lot of things. I immediately think of Icarus, of course, & the relevance of The Tower of Babel, & obliquely, I suppose, Prometheus.

However, when I was asked by my friend Declan, who lives in Dublin, if I was interested in playing some shows in Ireland, I immediately responded: “Yes!” I was exhilarated & flattered &, admittedly, suddenly, a little puffed up. However, the feeling only lasted for as long as the idea was abstract. Soon I started receiving emails & texts from Declan with dates & potential places to play.

The idea of leaving Woodstock, NY & flying to Dublin, Ireland became a plan. I started marking the dates in my gig book, like I would any other show in Upstate New York or some brewery in New Jersey. I began to discuss the particulars with my wife Melanie & my daughter Mary Scout. Although they were happy for me, there was a great disturbance in the house. It was a feeling, a mood that settled over us. The dates went up on our whiteboard alongside Theatre Camp for Mary & Melanie’s upcoming solo show at The Sketchbook Gallery & her teaching schedule. Everybody was simultaneously ecstatic & disturbed.

After all, isn’t this what we have been working towards? Melanie & I have been working in our respective fields since we met each other. In fact, our artistic endeavors are what our relationship is built on. When we decided to get married, we agreed that we would never give up on the pursuit of a life in the arts. & so, that is what we have done. We have continually traded in each pair of self-made wings for new ones & ascended, albeit slowly, but steadily closer to the sun.

Soon, the dates are in place & the itinerary solidified. The tour is on! It’s really happening! Declan has turned out to be a man of his word & of great confidence & positivity. He has done for me what I would not have been able to do for myself. He is the first person I have encountered who has shown a real interest in my music & expressed a desire to help me reach a wider audience &, in Declan’s words: “an audience who will dig what you are doing”. He & I have operated on a bit of faith, not really knowing each other that well. Each of us hoping, I suppose, that the other isn’t too strange or nasty to spend an inordinate amount of time together. Alas, life, real life is a risk, is it not? & a balance, yes? A balance of striving & accepting limitations. Knowing when too far is too far & knowledge or desire exceeds the human cage.

It’s freedom isn’t it? That & a longing to do something exceptional. Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? What am I allowed to do & be? How do I elevate my experience & that of others? It sounds a little lofty I admit. It also sounds a little arrogant. It is these two feelings constantly at war within me. Who do you think you are? The question can lie in both camps. The camp of low-self esteem & the camp of yearning. & I certainly reside in both.

I don’t think I have ever been more nervous or full of doubt in the weeks leading up to the trip. Nervous, undoubtedly about flying. The videos & news reports about air disasters found their way into my phone continually, further proving that our devices can read our minds. The reports of air traffic controllers being fired, mix-ups & collisions as a result of those actions, flooded my feed. These things didn’t help my state of mind. I was in a state of dread. & in speaking to Declan on the phone who expressed excitement & enthusiasm, I realized I was being a bummer & ungrateful by talking about how nervous I was. So I did the only thing I could. I began to practice & work on my music & poems at an accelerated rate. I soon realized that I don’t work enough. That I always find other things to do. & though I call myself a writer, perhaps I can work harder at my craft? Necessity, truly is, the mother of invention! (Forgive me, regrettably, I am a lover of idioms.)

Soon it was just the planes, man. The goddamned planes. Leaving the earth. Flying too close to the sun. Plummeting to my doom. I could think of nothing else. No kidding. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it is absolutely true. & I can’t express the true feeling of it. The abject fear. & as I stood outside the terminal & waved goodby to my family, all of us in tears, I was sure that I would never see them again. “Im not going” I thought to myself. There is no way I can make it & this is insane. How the fuck am I going to make it all the way to Dublin. Across the ocean!? Surely, if I don’t die on impact into the ocean, I will only survive long enough to be devoured by sharks. “Fuck it. I’m not going.” I sat terrified awaiting my fate. Feeling trapped, not wanting to go & too scared to turn back now.

The plane was on time. I boarded with no consequence. We departed right away & soon were en route. I fell asleep watching Blade Runner & woke with less than an hour to go. Some turbulence but otherwise uneventful & we landed ahead of schedule. Declan had given me thorough instructions & I went through customs without a hitch, caught a bus to Downtown Dublin & ordered an Americano, my first of at least twenty thus far. No drip coffee here folks. Espresso only.

It is immediate. The feeling of something completely different. A culture unlike anything I am used to. I have brought with me a sensibility of guardedness, judgment & all-around negativity. It is difficult to admit who you are. Anyway, it is for me. It is eye-opening & jaw-dropping to set your mind to addressing the set-backs, the flaws in your character. Nothing like a different culture to hold a mirror up to your dirty little face. My judgements are numerous. My anxieties abundant. All a response & a weapon against others to protect my tiny, enormous, fragile & bruised ego.

We have been scattered about. By whose design? Did God really try to keep us from conspiring against him? It seems contrary to the whole notion of a loving god. Maybe he knew would couldn’t be trusted & pit us against each other instead of having to deal with it? I would love to get the to the bottom of it, I really would.

The world is full of different ways of being. Colourful, Exotic & even, Terrifying. Languages & religions & traditions & yet… If only we were united. Imagine what we could accomplish! I can’t help but feel sadness & embarrassment for America. I see what is going on with our president & I never, ever in my lifetime, thought I would see these types of events come to pass in our country. I always thought these were things that only happened in other places. & yet… It has been going on from the beginning. Inequality. Violence. The Nature of Power. Who are we to think we can change that? I would like to quote now from one of my favourite stories/movies: No Country for Old Men (a brilliant one-two punch from Cormac McCarthy & The Coen Bros.) It is a conversation between a retired police officer Ellis (Barry Corbin) & Ed Tom (Tommy Lee Jones) who feels overwhelmed by the violence & evil he has witnessed as of late. Ed Tom expresses a desire to retire because he feels “overmatched” to which Ellis responds with an old story about how his Uncle Mack was killed & then follows the story with this: “What you got ain’t nothin’ new. This country’s hard on people. Can’t stop what’s comin. It ain’t all waitin’ on you. That’s vanity.”

I keep telling Declan: I am not affiliated. & It’s true. I’m not. Criticisms of America are plentiful & justified. Yes. I am an American. I am also a New Yorker & a Californian. I am also of Spanish & Irish & Polish descent. None of these mean much ultimately. I am also an ex-junkie & alcoholic. My past riddled with abhorrent behaviour, even more shameful than just being American. I hope to transcend those labels. I do. & traveling here to Ireland has given me a moment to breathe & be treated with kindness & return it without expectation & to drop my routine & the way I feel about myself in a profound way. I would not have been ready for this trip at any other time. I would not have handled the continual adjustment of my nature. The consistent breaking down of my interior. It is not always pleasant, but at the end of each day here I feel emptied out in a way that I can only describe as purifying.

We traveled to Westport by train for our first show at The Clock Tavern. Three hours. We walked to the bus stop to take us to the train station. On the train, I slept & nodded out & ignored the landscape & the journey. My head hurt. I felt nauseous. I was worried about where we were gonna stay. I was nervous about performing. What people were going to think of me. We walked into town from the train & there before us was a bench with Paddington the Bear. Nobody knows why Paddington is in Westport. Who made him or who he got there. I felt a kinship with the bear immediately. Declan suggested I sit down next to the bear & play a song. This suggestion & my obedience are the model for how things have gone since. Declan suggests it & I do it. I don’t know why. But I trust him. Maybe more than I trust myself sometimes. It is akin to my time in AA. What I mean is this: When I got to AA I had run out of ideas. My best efforts had landed me in the room & a stranger & a thief to everyone I knew & loved. I was a total failure. I am not a total failure now. & I am certainly not a thief (although, I must admit to the occasional swipe here & there just to keep things fresh!) Ok, so maybe still a thief, but not a stranger & not a failure. I have come a long way. But, perhaps I am stalled out? Who am I? How did I get here? I may not know those yet, but I do know this: It was Declan that got me to Ireland & it was Declan who had arranged the gigs & had a plan & an itinerary. Why would I start trying to run the show now? Why should I pretend I know what I’m doing? Maybe it’s best to do some things that go against my nature or my first thought? What have I got to lose? So I sat down & played my theme song: California to Paddington the Bear on a bench in a tiny park at the edge of Westport, Ireland & a little crowd gathered & listened & watched & filmed us playing & recording a song to inanimate & inexplicable bear & it was lovely.